Dufus -- A Scientific Treatise on a Bozon.

Dufus, simply put, is a Bozon. A Bozon, is an elementary clown particle and can be expressed by the following equation:

Bozon = Bozo (the clown) + ... "on".

If you add an "on" at the end of a word it becomes an elementary particle. Like electron, proton, Boson (= Bose + on, because Bose found it), ....

Although it bears a very similar name to Boron, the two are completely different. Because,

Boron = Boring + Moron. 

Which, as you can see, is a completely different thing than a Bozon, although it is an elementary particle in itself. Oh and of course, I hope you did not confuse it with Boron the element, which is not an elementary particle. See the difference?

So Dufus's behavioral traits all spring from one elemental truth about him. Which is, of course, the Bozonishness of him. A Bozon exists in three states: the highly excited, the steady state and the highly excited negative state. We will discuss mainly about the first two states here, since the third state is out of the scope of his post.

A Bozon in a steady state looks very docile and behaves like an amoeba -- as if (s)he has no skeleton. In the case of Dufus, the look resembles that of a highly contented goat or sheep. 

Bozon in steady state

A Bozon in the highly excited state is a whole other ball game. A Bozon in the highly excited state has very high kinetic energy making it nearly impossible to photographically chronicle this state. Some images of a Bozon in a quasi-highly excited state have been acquired and will be put up on this page at a later date. The state transition from steady state to highly excited can happen in nanoseconds which often leads to spilled human food, bushy tail in human mouth, flying forks/spoons, one canine foot (some times more) on human stomach and one almighty shriek (usually from the human). 

Some Properties of Bozons:

1. Speed Parity Mis-match between Physical and Mental Activities: OK that's just a scientific way of saying that the Bozon's physical processes are much faster than the mental processes. Considering the speed of the physical processes, this is not a dig at the mental faculties of the Bozon in question! Let us take the example of Dufus. All you need to do to confuse him is to put him in a high-motion physical state and then give him a tiny brain related task. Do the following experiment to see if you have a Bozon at home.

Open the back door. This automatically triggers a zoom-out-the-back-door-at-break-neck speed response in said Bozon. Then softly call his name and stand by the fridge. Yes, I said stand. Not hide. Simply stand motionless and watch what happens. If you have a Bozon, the following will happen. Said Bozon will zoom out of said back door at said break-neck speed. The ear will hear the name being called. This is evidenced by the sharp backward pricking up of the ear. This is also evidence that the ear has already realized that the source of the sound is located behind the body. But due to inertia and speed parity mismatch, the body will continue to zoom out, run a half marathon in search of the source of the sound at all expected places and zoom back in. All within a minute.

When the Bozon is zooming back in the door, call out the Bozon's name again and observe. If your animal continues in his/her path of motion completely ignoring his/her visual sensory response and therefore runs back into the house without stopping in front of you, you have a very well developed Bozon. This back and forth running will continue for a few minutes until the visual response finally reaches the brain which has a Eureka moment. Warning: Don't try this at home, unless you don't mind falling flat on your back with a canine standing on top of you, because Eureka moments usually cause this response in Bozons.

2. Protective Instincts -- with a twist: Most Bozons display a strong protective instinct, but with a twist. They decree that it is extremely necessary to protect Tail-lessTwoLeggeds from dangerous things like: (a) stepping stools, (b) Dark Basements, (c) ladders and sometimes (d) themselves.

Example of protection against (a) stepping stools: Pull up a stepping stool in full view of a Bozon in steady state. I strongly recommend that you do not try this experiment with the Bozon already in the highly excited state. Step up on the stool, as if to reach something high up in the kitchen shelf for example. If the candidate flies at you like a projectile from his resting place and is practically dangling by his mouth from your pant seat before you have even lifted up your arm to get the thing you were reaching for, you definitely have a Bozon residing with you. 

Example of protection against (b) Dark Basements: Dark Basements deserve the capitals because they are the Great Unknown to the Bozon. Bozons do not let Bozons or other non-Bozonic friends to walk into the Great Unknown. It is Apocalypse for Bozons. They hate Apocalypses. If the candidate tears around in dizzying circles and barks up a storm each time you even so much as take a step towards the Dark Basement to do your laundry; if he/she tries to recruit allies from the canine and human species in this all important rescue operation; you can be sure you have a Bozon on your hands. Note: Dark Basements with steep stairs that are non-negotiable for four-legged souls work even better for this experiment. Caution: wear sound blocking ear plugs when conducting this experiment.

Example of protection against (d) yourself: You are in pinch for time so you skip your usual gym work-out and decide on a quick at-home yoga session. You spread your mat, you lie on it and you lift up your legs for a sarvangasan. You have been as quiet as a mouse. This is yoga after all, so there is no need for any heavy grunting.  Your eyes are closed you are relaxing. You are Zen. Suddenly, out of nowhere, you feel a wet tongue wipe you squarely on the face! You are defenseless, because your hands are supporting your torso. The shock of it makes you hurriedly drop back to the ground. Well, try to, is more like it, because in the time it has taken for you to realize what has happened and to begin the drop down procedure, the Bozon has inserted himself right by your back, right in the path of your downward tragectory (in order to protected you from a grand fall back to the floor, of course). Now your only options are: (a) arch your back and land on your toes so you form a bridge over your beloved Bozon  or (b) hastily convert the sarvangasan to a halasan and then get back on your feet the wrong way -- slightly harder to do. There is a third option of course, you can just get back to your sarvangasan and hope that the Bozon decides to get up sometime before nightfall!

3. High Compressibility: A Bozon is highly compressible and elastic. A Bozon can roll him/herself into a tight ball approximately quarter of his/her full size. This is usually done to insert him/herself on the couch or bed between two reclining Tail-lessTwoLeggeds. Once this is done, just like a coiled up foam mattress, the Bozon bursts out of his compressed state expelling the two Tail-lessTwoLeggeds like a foam mattress snaps the rubber band that binds it!

4. Extreme Predictive Instinct: Most Bozons display extreme predictive instincts especially towards their hapless Tail-lessTwoLeggeds. Picture this. Cat No. 1 uses his wily ways to wake up human to feed him in the dead of the night. Human waddles in bedclothes and bleary eyed to the fridge. Bozon goes on high alert. Human is completely oblivious to this change in state. Human waddles about feeding the cat with half closed eyes. Human waddles back to the fridge to replace the half used can and spies Bozon running quickly to the back door. This is the well established code for "let me out! I have to answer Nature's call now!" Human looks at microwave. Microwave says "It's only 3:30am". Human sighs, grabs whatever coat she can lay her hands on and takes the Bozon out.

Once out the door Bozon looks at Tail-lessTwoLegged with a slightly quizzical, but still contented goat look. Tail-lessTwoLegged is too sleepy to notice and mechanically walks towards the "magic spot" in the back yard. Five minutes later, the cold air has woken up Tail-lessTwoLegged enough to notice that Bozon is just standing and looking up at her.

Tail-lessTwoLegged (TTL): What? Don't you want to go?
Bozon: No. Why would I want to go?
TTL: You said you wanted go!
Bozon: I thought you wanted to go!
TTL: Why would I want to go? Besides I have my toilet inside the house!
Bozon: I know you don't go outside. I just thought you wanted to go outside.
TTL: Why the hell would I want to go outside in the middle of the night?
Bozon: Erm because you went to the door?
TTL: I went to the fridge, not to the door!
Bozon: The fridge is by the door! Forgive me for trying to be one step ahead of you!
TTL: Oh for God's sakes stop predicting my actions you moron!

Now that was a bad move. Never insult a Bozon. They get offended. Bozon pulls his head back and refuses to move towards the house.

TTL (repenting): Oh! Alright! I am sorry. Let's go back in?
Bozon: -----
TTL (in a sweet voice): Puppy dog!! I lowes you, now let's get back in.

Bozon relents and walks with TTL back to the door but stops short just before getting in.
TTL (exasperated): What now?
Bozon (making huge puppy eyes): Ermm...
TTL: What?
Bozon: I want to go now.

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