Thursday, 23 June 2011

Mixed Microwave-Laptop Stir Fry, with a Pinch of Nerve and Smoked Sinus



1 Laptop
1 Microwave
1 human body
1 trip to smoke loving country


For Mixed Microwave-Laptop Stir Fry:

This is really more like a case of waiting for your microwave to mature. You can't really make it happen. Like mushroom, it needs to grow on its own. So, it's only a matter of knowing when the microwave is mature enough. To do this:
1. Stick a cup of water in the morning, punch 15 seconds, press start.
2. krrrrrr----phaatttttttt -- this sound says you could have a mature microwave.
3. Turn mains off, change fuse in microwave. Repeat 1.
4. If you hear another krrrrrr----phaatttttttt, you have a fairly well mature microwave.
5. Repeat 3 again. If your microwave goes krrrrrr----ph--kkkrrr--phaatttttttt, it's done.
6. Set aside.

7. Leave a laptop plugged in day and night for months. Even years.
8. Turn on laptop one morning and if you hear "kweee--phtt" then you know your laptop is fried.
9. Set aside.

Smoked Sinus:

For this, you need to be allergic to second hand smoke. If not, you can never make smoked sinus. Sorry. I know. It's unfair, but that's just the way life is. You could try making Sinus Pollen(ta) if you like? But if you are allergic to second hand smoke, here is the recipe for smoked sinus:

1. Take a trip to a smoke-happy place.
2. Forget your antihistamines when you pack. (this is very important)
3. When your sinuses inflame like a hot-air balloon, start to believe in your super powers to fight the allergies on your own.
4. Keep believing for 4 or 5 days, until your body begins to burn up with fever.
5. Now hurry to the nearest pharmacy and get yourself some anti-histamine and some decongestant. (after all you don't want to smoke your entire self into oblivion, do you?)

Pinched Nerve:

This is also a case of letting happen rather than making it happen. But, you can speed up the process to create a perfectly pinched nerve if you do the following:

1. Ignore everything you have ever learnt about good posture
2. Get a job that needs you to be on the computer constantly
3. Stick a laptop on your lap and slouch on the couch
4. Crane your neck forward. Stick it out like you mean it. Stick it out like you want to be sucked into the screen and spat out into the Internet.
5. Do this for a few years.
6. When your triceps start to feel like someone's drilling a hole through it and the nerves in your arms start to tingle, you'll know that your pinched nerve is ready for the harvest.

That's it, your Mixed Microwave-Laptop Stir fry, with a Pinched Nerve and Smoked Sinus is ready.
Add antibiotics and NSAIDs to your taste and serve with generous amounts of humour. Enjoy! If you neglect it long enough, it can even last 25-30 days.

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